Good Vibrations

I don’t want to be overweight.
I don’t want to procrastinate.
I don’t want to be jealous.
I don’t want a messy house.
I don’t want to yell.
I don’t want to be late.

According to Oprah and Michael Losier, author of Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't, that list is a sure fire way to get all of those things. God, the Universe, The Law of Attraction or whatever else you want to call it does not hear Don’t, Not, and No. When I say “I don’t want to be late”, The Law of Attraction only hears…”Late”, and that is what I attract to myself. Michael goes on to explain, that if you typed in a search on the Internet saying “No Football”, what would you get? Tonnes of stuff about football. When you say to your dog, “Don’t go get your leash” all she hears is “leash”. Parents even know that saying, "Walk" rather than "Don't run" gets better a better result.

Many of us have a hard time focusing on what we want, however, so he recommends first compiling the list of things we don’t want then switching it around. It's like a re-set button. The longer the list the more detailed it becomes.
My list above can change to:

I want to have a fit and healthy body.
I want to do things in a timely manner.
I want to be satisfied and happy with my life.
I want to have a warm, welcoming, and organized home.
I want to speak calmly.
I want to be on time.

Just saying those same things in a positive way causes me to feel differently about them.

Yesterday on the radio show, they talked about applying this technique to getting the job/career that you desire. It was so enlightening. They helped a lady caller create her own list of "don’t wants" about her job, and then coached her into switching the list to the positive. When she did it you could immediately hear the change in her voice.

The list is just the beginning, however. After you create the list of all of the things you want, it’s now your job to put attention, energy, and focus onto those things. Every time you write about them the Law of Attraction is listening. When you day dream it’s listening. When you talk about them, it’s listening. The Law of Attraction is always checking to see what kind of vibration (or vibe) you’re sending out. And by the way, there are only two kinds of vibrations. Positive or negative. And the LofA will always match what you send out. It doesn’t help to just say the words, you have to FEEL them and believe them ,too.

One of the things he said that I just loved was that once you start sending out this vibration, you will start seeing results. In the case of that lady caller, she might not immediately get her dream job (which is to be self employed) but she will likely start coming across people who are, and can then learn from them. She can surround herself with people who have or are aspiring to the same goal and by doing so she is focusing her attention on that which she wants. The part I loved is that when we’re paying attention we will see the proof. It may start off small, but the more energy I give to my desires, the bigger the results.

I’m not a religious person, and I’ve been curious for awhile as to why I have so many religious people in my life. Most of my friends are religious. Some more devout than others. I clued in when I realized that I talk about it a lot. “Not religious”. If the Law of Attraction doesn’t hear Don’t, Not, or No, then all it would hear is “religious”. I’m attracting these people to me for a reason. Which, incidentally, I think is great. Even though I follow my own path spiritually, I love to learn about other people and their beliefs.

So, everyone. I hope you all have a great vibrational day.
“I'm pickin' up good vibrations. Good good good good vibrations!”
For some reason I can’t get that song outta my head!

Balance

Joy gave me this Balancing Your Life meme oh so long ago. I’m sorry it took me so long to get to. It’s interesting what she said in her post:

“I'd love to know how a homeschooling mom balances her life. Or does she? She SEEMS to have everything together, but is finding balance in life a chore like it is for everyone else?”

I seem to have everything together? Really? Huh. While it’s true that I don’t post all of my heartaches on here, I always strive to be truthful. In fact, one thing my neighbour keeps telling me is that I’m sooo hard on myself on here. I don’t agree. I think I’m honest. But that comes down to perception, I guess.

So, yup. Finding balance is a chore. Or a journey…

How do you achieve balance in your life?
I talk with friends quite often about this word/topic. I have to admit that I haven’t achieved balance…yet. I talk about it, though, so that’s a start. I struggled writing this piece because the word balance can actually be quite deep. It can mean a balance of time: work time vs. family time vs. me time. In my opinion, though, balance is more on a soul level. The whole mind/body/spirit thing. Taking care of each of those aspects is important to keep balance.

Mind, Body, Spirit in Perfect Harmony

My mind – At times I feel like I’m losing it! My memory sucks for one thing. I’m reading more now, though. And, actually, I find homeschooling helps in this department because I’m learning so much through teaching the kids.

My Body – Well. There is always room for improvement in this department. I just don’t have the willpower to stay on a decent eating plan for long. With the arrival of spring, though, I am becoming more active. Playing outside with the kids, walks, and bike rides all add to my feeling of being uplifted during the day. When I’m eating right and getting a bit of exercise balance comes more easily. Everything seems to fall into place.

Spiritually – This one has been a real journey for me during the last ten years. God was a word that I never used to embrace. Universal Power was what I would say. Then a couple of years ago I had my own spiritual awakening. God is in my life now, but beyond that I’m still searching.

What is your biggest challenge in balancing your life?
I “should” on myself a lot. I should meditate more. I should exercise. I should eat better. I should join that class. We should get together sometime. I should give her a call. I should read that book some time. I should mail that card/parcel.

The problem with “shoulding” on myself is that trust becomes an issue. If I don’t come through for myself how can I trust that I ever will?


What are your priorities?
My family is my main priority, and I’m included in that.

Raising my kids to the best of my ability is, of course, important. We’re training them to be adults in this world. It’s what I think about most of the time.

My marriage is another priority. The kids aren’t going to be with us forever, and I want to have a great relationship with this man so that we can enjoy the rest of our lives together. Sound corny? Well, it is. Truthfully, we have some work to do, but we’ll do it.


How have your priorities changed over time and why?
Ten years ago, my top priority was me. And getting married. Finding a nice house. And so on. Now, of course, it’s my family.


What advice can you share to help all of us balance our own lives?
Well, since I haven’t achieved a real balance in my own life I can’t really dole out any advice.

I will say this, though. Speak positively. I am in the process of learning and applying this lesson, and it takes work to change the habit of talking "down". Not just about myself, but in general. We’ve all been around those people who have nothing positive to say. How much fun is it to be around them?

I’m not saying that we can’t ever express our sadness or anger, but our words have power. It’s amazing the shift in my heart that comes when I say something that has positive energy as opposed to negative energy.


That's why I started writing in my Gratitude Attitude blog. Positive energy. We have to create it for ourselves.

As for tagging someone.

Steffi at Mausbär´s - Nähkiste - I would just love to know more about her. Does crafting provide her a kind of meditation or food for the soul?

Terri at My 4 Kids - Although she has 4 kids and I have 2, she lives in the states and I'm in Canada, I feel like I have a lot in common with her. When I read her blog, I find myself nodding my head a lot in agreement. So, does she struggle with balance like I do, or has she got it figured out?

Peter at Portrait of Peter - Joy tagged him already, but that's okay. I'd love a guy's perspective. A beautiful poet he certainly seems balanced. How does he do it?

Obviously, don't feel obligated to do this exercise. Only do it if you're interested. Saying 'no' at times also contributes to being balanced. :)

Know Yourself

Sydney Poitier was recently on Oprah discussing his book, “A Measure of a Man”. I always record Oprah so I just watched the episode. The book was Oprah’s Book Club choice, and therefore the discussion took place over dinner with a few lucky viewers. It was what one viewer, a gentleman, said that registered with me.

He said that he uses the book as a kind of “How To” manual for raising his boys into men. The main point that he took from the book and now stresses to his boys is, “Know who you are”. He goes onto say that if someone accuses you of something or calls you a name – well, you know who you are. That does not mean you. Let it fall away like an autumn leaf because you know who you are. Then, they showed a quote from Sydney Poitier that’s in the book: “Someone asked me, Who are you? I’m the me I choose to be”.

I love that and I love that I heard that message today of all days. I am coming to know who I am. I know what my intentions are so, if someone says something about me, then I can let those comments just slide off. I don’t HAVE to get all pissed off and defensive. I want to, of course, but I’ll choose to talk myself out of that space. No. Instead I will look and listen to what the person said. I’ll consider it. I’ll ask myself some questions. Are they right? Do I have something to learn? Is that me? Then I can safely embrace or disregard the exchange. You see, I think if we get angry then there is some thing/issue we have to look at. Something to learn. Otherwise, we truly wouldn’t care.

I’ve heard the message today, and I’ve written it down because I’m sure I’ll have to remind myself of it in the future. But isn’t that the way of all lessons? It takes a few falls and stumbles to really “get it”.

Thanks for the support!

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful comments to yesterday’s posting. I have the best blogging friends. I really appreciate you guys!

Heather, thanks for empathizing so well with me. I’d also say that I’m happy. Some days I feel low, but for the most part, I feel quite cheerful. I guess I just don’t laugh out loud a lot. I don’t know. I have great laughs with my friends. The other day I was talking to my friend, G, and I had the best laugh. She’s hilarious – she always gets me going. When it comes to daily life, though, sometimes I just go through the motions. It almost feels like I’m a director. I set up the scene for my kids, and then say, “go have fun”. Then I stand back and watch.

PortraitofPeter – I appreciate your comment because it reminds me that sometimes a remark is just a remark. In the moment, I probably did look quite serious to my daughter. Her darn shoes are sometimes hard to get on!! And thank-you for your compliments on my photos. I don’t know the song, “Always look on the bright side of life”, but I’ll look out for it.

Jane – As usual, you give great advice. I do try to do stuff for me. Before the resent teacher’s strike, I regularly met with friends for lunch on the Tuesday/Thursday the kids are in school. I would like to join a class, though. Something to educate myself in a way that’s not related to homeschooling. Digital photography, writing, cooking, or even painting are a few that I’ve been thinking about lately. Actually, I’d love to join a theatre group, but I’m a little…nervous. No - terrified is a better word! And thank-you for the invite. I’d love to join you guys sometime.

Thanks so much for the babysitting offer, Sirdar. I have thought about your daughter,etc. as a potential babysitter. ;) I’m fortunate in that my mom is usually available for us.

My4Kids – Some of my best lessons in life and mommy-hood have come from children. :)

Now, I’ll repeat Joy’s sentiment: Here's to more laughter in people's lives!!

A Lesson Taught to Me by My Daughter

My daughter said something to me the other day that got me feeling really sad...

I was bent over her, helping her on with her shoes, when she reached out and stuck her fingers in my arm pit to tickle me. We were in kind of a hurry, and I said, "Not now, sweety". Her response stopped me in my tracks.

"Why don't you ever laugh, mommy?"
"What? I laugh."
"Not really."
I paused.
"You don't think I laugh?"
"Not very much."

Now I thought I did laugh a lot. You know those survey things that go around? One of the questions are usually: When is the last time you laughed?. I always answer: Today. Could it be that I just laugh inside my head?

When I think about my day with the children, I think of games, books, playing, crafts, etc. Fun stuff right? For them. They laugh a lot. It's one of my favourite things to listen to, in fact - my children laughing. But perhaps I'm not involving myself in the fun enough.

This was a difficult post to write - to admit. Many of you write about all of the fun and laughter going on in your homes. It happens here, too, but to be totally honest and frank - I'm usually watching it go on. Not always. But a lot of the time. I want to be that fun loving mom who is also totally organized. Along the way, I must have gotten too focused on trying to get organized and creating a stimulating environment. I knew that I took myself seriously, but I didn't realize how transparent that was to everyone...especially my children.

After my daughter's shoes were on, we got up and carried on with our day, but the conversation stuck with me. It was one of those "slap in the face" kind of moments. Huh?! I thought that I DID laugh a lot, but I now know that she was right. I am not laughing enough. I've gotta loosen up, but I'm learning that it ain't so easy!

What the heck happened to me? I know I laughed plenty as a child. I think I did as a teenager. Before we had kids, Adrian and I laughed a lot. Hmmm. Well, I'm on a mission, people, to find my laugh. Somewhere in the last decade, it has run off with the circus because you know if you don't use your laugh enough it gets bored and goes searching for fun somewhere else.

Our Soul's Calling - PART TWO

I revisited my computer to quickly check my email because I was expecting something but then I saw Heather's comment to my previous post. I started to respond and found that I was writing a whole other post!! So here it is. Maybe I'll start my own soul series. ;) (see other post)

I love the idea of how being a great mother can be our Calling in life. I think it goes deeper, though. What does being a great mother mean anyway? Being a nurterer, organizer, listener, motivator, etc. Having patience and plenty of energy. The ability to carry on with our day with only two hours of sleep! And so many more than I can list here. When our children grow up and leave home (or even now), we can use these wonderful traits in many other ways. How can we serve? How can we use our gifts to help others? That's why I loved it when the author (from the previous post) said that instead of spending hours in meditation or self refelection in order to find our purpose, we simply ask: what does the world want of me? Time and again I suspect we'll come up with similar answers but that can be used in different capacities.

There is so much more meant for us then we can imagine. And while that is exciting, it's also daunting. If I embrace my purpose/Calling I suddenly have a responsiblity to uphold it. No more excuses as to why I'm not being all that I can be.

I think of that question that is posed to our children time and again. What do you want to be when you grow up? I'm still trying to answer that damn question and I'm 33!

Our Soul's Calling

I love love love my XM radio. I’m quite enjoying the all 70’s station. Plenty of great music from that decade. Occasionally there might be too many disco songs, but that’s when I switch back to my favourite station. Oprah and Friends!! For those of you who don’t know, I am an Oprah fan.

She’s been having a “Soul Series” on her radio show. I love it, and it just makes me even happier and more grateful that I have this radio. Yesterday her guest was James Hillman who wrote “The Soul's Code: In Search of Character and Calling”. I just have to share with you some things that stuck with me from their conversation. Keep in mind that I’m obviously paraphrasing. I was driving and couldn’t very well take notes!

What really struck me was how he says we can figure out our Calling. I struggle with this at times. What am I meant to do? What is my special gift to the world? He says you find out by asking yourself, “What do people want of me?” You know when you say of your friends, she’s really good at this or that? That could be her/his Calling. There’s nothing wrong with being really good at doing people’s taxes. We need those people. Or being a good listener, friend, or mother. I have a friend who is awesome at organizing. When I need help in that department, she’s the one I ask.

I also like how he separates your Calling from being a celebrity or even from your vocation. It CAN just be as simple as having a wonderful sense of humour. Those people always seem to bring light to a dim or sad day. I think of you, Joy, in this way. Someone who is calm in an emergency has a special gift, too.

So, our Calling doesn’t have to be this huge lofty idea. It can be, of course. Oprah certainly has a huge Calling. But it can also be “small” and be just as special and important.

Hillman goes on to say that we begin to see signs of a Calling in childhood, and it often appears as dysfunctions. I remember an interview with Lance Armstrong along with his mother. She was asked what he was like as a child. She answered that he was always on the go. Non-stop. Climbing, running, etc. Don’t we all know kids like that? And in this society we seem to want to drug them.




I think of my daughter. She is in her head a lot. She can be a bit dawdley and she takes her time with everything. She is so creative,though. She loves to go to where we keep our craft stuff, and just come up with ideas and make things. On her own. Her habit of being slow CAN be a bit of a pain when you want to get somewhere. She’s always the last one to leave school, the last one to eat lunch, and she never finishes her craft in class. When the other kids are just quickly colouring their pictures in she’s the one who’s taking her time and making it rainbow coloured. And my son gives me a different set of challenges. He’s determined and loves to be first at everything. When I question him and mention that he should give someone else a turn being first in line or whatever, he becomes frustrated. “So, should I just go slowwwww?” he asks like it would be the most painful thing. I’m not saying we shouldn’t encourage and teach our children boundaries. My daughter needs to learn that sometimes she’s holding people up, and my son needs to learn good sportsmanship. But when I look at these traits in a different way I can have appreciation for them and actually embrace them.

I look forward to more in this Soul Series.

Dream, Dream, Dream, (When I feel blue)

I read a post on Jane’s blog (gone private) about her dreams. It got me thinking about mine. I usually have very vivid dreams. I’ve even woken up sad or angry from a dream because I’ve forgotten for a moment that it WAS a dream.

I have a few dreams that I’ve been having for years. They come along once a month or so. There’s the one where I’m flying. Love that one. And one where I’m really late for the first day of high school and I can’t find my classes so I wander the halls in a panic. In real life, my high school had only two hall ways. Sometimes I have dreams that I’m trying to talk but I’m chewing a great bid wad of gum, and the gum is stuck all in and amongst my teeth. I keep trying to pull the gum out. I pull a piece of it a few inches out of my mouth, but the rest just keeps sticking to my teeth. I’ve never had the dream where I’ve successfully pulled the gum out. It could be really meaningful but I think it’s just when I have a particularly “gummy” mouth because I wake up from those dreams quite thirsty – and frustrated. That reminds me of the dreams where I’m so thirsty I just keep drinking and drinking.

It’s most interesting when I find I can control my dreams. It happens quite by chance - I don’t plan it or anything. Usually, I’m being chased. I’m running through dark caverns or something and get to the point where there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide either (Nowhere ta ruun, Nowhere ta hiide, Got nowhere to run to, baby). I crouch down to make myself small, and then suddenly remember that I’m dreaming and that I can make myself invisible if I want. So I do and the bad guy comes by but doesn’t see me. It’s happened a few times in the flying dreams, too.

I looove dreamin'. I have the best adventures.

Anyone have weird dreams lately? That they actually want to share, that is.

Stop the Put Downs

Do women know how terrible it sounds when they put themselves down constantly? I didn't. In my early twenties I was notorious for the put downs to myself. Usually it was about my weight. What's ridiculous is that I wasn't overweight!! So what did I get out of it? Reassurance from people and friends. When I complained that I was overweight they always responded with, "No, you're not!". And then I'd feel better. For a minute! As I got older, I joked that I knew I was getting fat for real when people stopped responding with that line - looking back they were probably just sick and tired of my belly aching.

I remember when I was around fifteen, I was with my friends talking to a boy. There was a dance that night and my friends and I were talking about what we were going to wear. I laid out my usual line, "I don't know what to wear. I'm soo faaat." (you might as well imagine a whiny tone, too) The boy replied, "Yah, ya could lose about ten pounds. Then you'd be hot". I was shocked into silence. Then I spent the next hour soliciting reassurances from my friends. "Do YOU think I could lose ten pounds? What a jerk, heh?"

My put downs have decreased over the years. My first eye opener was The Celestine Prophesy. When I first read the book, I identified with the Poor Me role trying to steal energy in the form of complements. That's me! I thought. I had never looked at it that way before, but, unfortunately becoming aware of something doesn't just make it go away. I still have some work to do.

These days my self admonishments are about my abilities as a mom and homeschooler. I have one friend, in particular, who calls me on it. Hi, G! In the middle of a conversation she'll just stop me and say, I think you're being a little hard yourself there.

What I realized after I read that book is that it’s exhausting to be around someone who hurls insults at themselves. As the listener, you're put into an awkward position and at the very least it's boring.

I got on this train of thought when I was watched a show on the making of a theatre production and group called "Women Fully Clothed". It's made up of five women comedians. This real “reality” show revealed how the group was formed, how they developed and tweaked the script together, and the little nuances of their relationships. It was so interesting and the theatrical production looks funny. During the different conversations there was one lady (Jayne Eastwood) who was constantly putting herself down. Because she’s a comedian she did it in the form of jokes. It was funny at first, but by the 10th time, it was like – enough already! Watching and listening to her it was so obvious how crappy she felt about herself. Or that's what was portrayed. If she actually feels great about herself then she quit it with the put-down jokes. Even in this group photo she’s basically hiding herself. I truly hope that by the time I’m her age I’m fully over this insecurity bull shit.

Just Say No

So, Adrian is ticked at me. I told a friend that I would take care of her dog while she went away for the weekend, and he’s not pleased. And I knew that he wouldn’t be pleased, either. Now, I’m going to suffer for it this weekend. Her dog, while lovely in her own way, is a tad excitable. And she barks…loudly. She runs away, too, so I’m going to have to tie her up when I let her out. Adrian says she chases Max, but I don’t remember that. She does bother Cleo, though. She seems to want to play, but Cleo is over 10 yrs old and doesn’t want to play. And…she has humongous poos! I mean, they almost look like they come from a horse! So why did I say yes, you ask? Because I felt like I couldn’t say no. No one else would take her dog. She’d do it for me, and I feel like you should be there for your friends when they need you. I wish I’d said no, but it’s too late now. I could have said, “Your dog doesn’t get along with my animals”. I wish that I’d even thought of that response. Adrian says that I didn't think this through very much, and I suppose he's right. How bad can it be though? Taking care of a dog for 3 or 4 days...I guess I'll let y'all know in 3 or 4 days, right?! I pick her dog up tonight, and she gets home late Monday night.

It’ll just be my luck that this will be the one day my friend decides to read my blog! He he he. Hopefully, she'll be too busy packing because my friend is awesome. It's not her fault I didn't say no.

I Have Found My Inspiration

In my last post I wrote about my lack of inspiration. Well, I'll tell ya - if anyone is looking for inspiration I have a suggestion for where it can be found. Watch "Building a Dream - Oprah's Leadership Academy for Girls". I watched it tonight and I am officially inspired.

I saw how these girls, who have lived through such tragedies, brave the threat of rape and any other numerous forms of violence to go to school. After watching that show I am filled with gratitude for our life and the opportunities available for our children. I'm motivated to do my best every day to home school my children. (I need to keep this video on standby for those inevitable days where I feel overwhelmed.) These girls have such resilience and determination. And hope. After all they've been through they still have hope.

I'm wrapped up in the story of the school and the girls. I wish the television special had been longer than the one hour. I wanted to see so much more of them and how they're doing. I hope Oprah keeps us posted.

Pride Gets in the Way

Yesterday was a better homeschooling day in that both children seemed engaged and in good spirits. I hope today goes just as well. The strike is still on so we’re taking the time to catch up on math. I might look up some things to do for Science, too. That’s usually a subject covered at school.

On the subject of the strike. It’s been nearly a week and a half. We haven’t really done anything exciting with our time. No "friends" from school have contacted us so, I’m feeling a little isolated. I’m going to have to make some calls and try to set up some play dates. It’s twisted right? That I should feel upset that no one has called us? I haven’t called them, either. I just feel like I’m always the one making the calls first. Poor me, I know. I’m almost being too proud. They’re not calling me so, I’m not going to call them. You’d think I was still in grade two.

Okay. I’m going to go phone someone. Right now.

From Haircuts to Death

I have been blogging - just not here! I've been helping Adrian set up a blog for our Junior Forest Wardens group, and it's been taking my time away from here. :(

Ah well. Dd and I went for haircuts today. My friend, L, who is a hairdresser does it for us. It's nice not to have hair hanging in my face anymore.

Last night I was watching Oprah, and there was a hilarious and insightful woman on there. Her name is Paula Deen. She's a cook who's gotten rich from her cookbooks, etc. What I love about her is her outlook on life. She used to suffer from Agoraphobia. So, it's amazing that she was even on the Oprah show. She got over it by simply changing the way she thinks. The Serenity Prayer was a principal part of that change, but also once she accepted that her own death was inevitable she was able to start living again. What the heck does that mean, you wonder? Accept your own death?! Well, I got IT when she said it because of a lesson I learned when taking a "Teach Your Children to Read" course, of all places. The course was three full days, and the instructor was really motivating. She believed that in order to "grow" (spiritually, emotionally, etc.) you had to do the things that made you uncomfortable. Like talking in front of a large group would be painful for some. After she taught a lesson, she had us stand in front of everyone and teach back what we'd learned. "Are you nervous?" she'd ask, and we'd reply, "Yes". "Good!" she'd say. Eeek!! During one of our breaks we explored why we'd be afraid of embarrassing ourselves. She started with and continued asking us the question: What's the worse thing that could happen? The answers began with: We would be embarrassed and everyone would laugh. Then the answers went to: We might lose all of our friends, we'd be all alone, and we'd have no one to depend on. Until the final answer: We would die! It became the joke among us when faced with something we were afraid to do. "Don't worry, you won't die." Big ah ha moment for me. It put the things we worry about on a daily basis in prospective. Try it the next time you're faced with a fear. It's amazing how quickly you get down to the REAL cause of your anxieties.

So, Paula Deen. A cook, but also a life teacher. She was pretty darn funny on the show, too.

Revelling in a Child's Delight

My daughter has a loose tooth. It’s her first one and that makes it a momentous event in our house.

It happened two nights ago while she was eating a pear. She came up to me complaining that every time she took a bite her tooth hurt. I checked it out and discovered the jiggley tooth. As soon as I informed her that her tooth was loose, she started bouncing and hopping around the room excitedly. She promptly called her grandma to tell her the news, and at the end of the conversation said that she was going to go the bathroom to wiggle her tooth some more. After she hung up she did just that, but not before she went up to the cat and dog, respectively, to show off the special event that was her loose tooth. This is so thrilling to her because she’s been anticipating it for so long. She’s watched her brother and, more recently her friend, lose several teeth. She’s been asking me, “When will it be MY turn?” And now her turn has come.

I’m very happy for her, and I’m grateful to witness such abandoned delight. It seems silly to be so happy over a loose tooth, but that’s what makes it even more beautifully heart wrenching. To see the pure joy in my child’s eyes over a seemingly simple event is as close a person can get to authentic emotion. I am savouring these moments because soon enough they will be lost to the culture of “cool” during those teenage years.

I’m seeing some of my friends go through disconnect with their teenagers, and I almost feel like we’re in a kind of count down mode. Four years, eleven months, and sixteen days until my son is thirteen and he no longer runs to me for hugs and snuggles. Five years, four months, and sixteen days until my daughter finds the mere idea of running around the room ecstatically over a loose tooth mortifyingly embarrassing. I can hope that it won’t happen with my teenagers. I will hope.

Thoughtful Thoughts - Part Two

This is part two of my deep thoughts:

Soon after I wrote that “If you knew me” list a friend seemed aghast at how much I had revealed. They would never want someone to know their business like that. I was left stuttering with no response. So, it got me to thinking about why we bloggers blog. Sirdar recently posted a similar question on his blog, but what I want to know is why some of us (because we don’t all do this) feel compelled to air our emotional laundry. In fact when I first started my blog, many of my friends asked me that question. At the time, I said it’s just a way to keep track of our homeschooling activities and that it’d be nice for the relatives in England to see what we’re up to. Since then I sometimes feel compelled to write stuff that’s more personal. Perhaps it goes back to that “I’m on a journey” stuff. There is something liberating about letting those worries and feelings out. Why isn’t a journal enough, though? I’ve always journalled, but not with real consistency. Since, I’ve started a blog, however, I’m on here almost everyday. Okay, I’ll just say it. It’s exciting to know that someone is actually reading my words. I enjoy the feedback. I love expressing myself in this way. Perhaps it’s similar to someone who writes an autobiography. Something drives them to share their story with the world.

When a friend or family member asks you why you blog, what is your answer to them?

Thoughtful Thoughts - Part One

I’ve been thinking deeply lately. (no jokes about seeing smoke allowed) This is part one of my deep thoughts…

Last week I wrote a list entitled “If you really knew me you would know that…”
It was a wonderful exercise, and it brought up an interesting discussion on self-esteem. Jane posted a question on her blog regarding the issue. I would link you to it, but her blog has gone private. Anyhoo, I was going to comment there, but too many ideas came to mind.

First of all, the word SELF-ESTEEM is a funny one. Sometimes I wonder if it isn’t a word made up by shrinks. They convince us that we need this thing, this self-esteem. Without it we are lost souls who have no hope of loving anybody in our lives until we learn to love ourselves. We pay thousands of dollars in therapy in the endless pursuit of a made up word. I decided to look the meaning up. According to Wikipedia: In psychology, self-esteem or self-worth includes a person's subjective appraisal of himself or herself as intrinsically positive or negative to some degree. To me, that means that self-esteem is both positive AND negative. If you break the word down to its individual parts, however, you get SELF and ESTEEM. We know what self means and esteem means to respect or appreciate. Okay. So, as Jane asked, why do some women respect and appreciate themselves and others do not? This is the complicated question that results in thousands of dollars spent at the shrink’s office. It has something to do with our inner little girl and other crap that happened when we were too young to have any control over our lives. Therefore, it’s not our fault and we should just move on. There. Cured. No? Ah well. Back to the shrink’s, I guess.

For me, the start of overcoming this lack of self-esteem is to talk about it to all who will listen. My friends were getting sick of listening to me ramble on so I started a blog to torture you lot with my tired little rants. Even though I joke, it’s not far from the truth. Except the part about my friends being sick of me. Right, friends? I am a strong believer in the Dr. Philism: “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”. I am on a journey of self-discovery, growth, and enlightenment. As cliché as that sounds, I wholeheartedly embrace that as my truth. Sometimes I feel real shitty about myself and other times I feel like singing my praises to all. For instance, as much as I admit that I care too much what people think of me, my empathy and deep caring of other people’s feelings is a quality that I would not want to lose. I get angry quickly, and while this IS something that I intend on changing, my passion is something that I love about myself. I don’t mesh well with people who sit silent while there is a compelling discussion happening around them.

So, from time to time I will confess my shortcomings. I may sound like a pity party when I do it, but that is not my intention. I write about them because, I believe, it is how I will learn to overcome them. I also welcome words of wisdom and truth from you because, as I said, I am on a journey of self discovery. However, this doesn’t mean that it’s open season on Debbie. What I love is inspiration in the form of other people’s stories and experiences. Please, share them with me.

In closing, I will say that one of my best qualities is my ability to pick good friends. I don’t think that I have one toxic friend in my life. That says a lot about my friends, but it says a lot about me, too.

My List

I've been reading a lot about blog lists lately. One that intrigues me is the 100 things about me list that I saw in the sidebar of some blogs. Like A Spot of T and Happy and Blue 2.

Recently, on Oprah, I saw a show that talked about a great project happening at more and more high schools in the US. It's called "Challenge Day". They gather the students in the gym. Then they're given different exercises that challenge them to break down facades and overcome differences. One of the exercises that stands out is when they had the students sit in a circle and take turns completing the sentence: If you really knew me you would know that...
It was wonderful to see teenagers from different backgrounds and social statuses open up to each other.

It got me thinking about how I would complete that sentence. I could add more but here is the beginning...

If you really knew me you would you that:

I have a great husband and two energetic children.
I love my friends.
I’m hard on myself.
I have big dreams.
I don’t know what they all are yet.
I have been skydiving.
Three times.
I’m insecure.
I enjoy attention.
I wish that I’d gone to college.
I was in air cadets, and loved it.
I love Oprah.
I remember nearly drowning when I was little.
My cousin rescued me.
While I was underwater I saw a pink octopus.
I’m bad with money.
I procrastinate.
I have a lot of anger stored up inside.
It escapes sometimes.
I’m afraid of it.
I love to talk on the phone.
For hours.
I hate being startled.
My husband and son think that it’s hilarious to sneak up and startle me.
I don’t like the dark.
I love to travel.
I love to read and can never remember the names of authors.
I’m still trying to find that special thing that I’m really good at doing. My passion.
I wish I had the courage to join a theatre group and learn to act.
That’s the first thing that I remember wanting to do.
My dad said that I would never make any money at it.
I never pursued it any further.
Not even in high school.
I don’t see that as dad’s fault.
It’s mine for not chasing my own dream.
I can never understand song lyrics. I can’t make out the words half the time.
I yell at my kids more than I would like.
I feel jealous sometimes.
I can usually talk myself out of it, though.
I’m afraid to write down the real “If you knew me” stuff.
My mom reads this blog.
One of my closest friends doesn’t.
She’s admitted that she just skims, looks at the pictures, but the rest doesn’t grab her attention.
I pretend that it doesn’t hurt my feelings.
It’s just a silly blog after all.
But it does hurt, because I would read hers if she had one.
I can be winy sometimes.
As you’ve just witnessed.
Did I mention that I’m hard on myself?
I can laugh at myself, though.
I have a good sense of humour.
But I’m not very witty.
I do admire other people’s wittiness.
I’ve read a lot of witticisms while blogging.
I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I have really love me.
I have a great life.
I just need to learn to appreciate it.

Resolutions Revisited

I just read A Spot of T’s blog and she got me thinking. That happens a lot when I read someone else’s blog, by the way.

She wrote about how she wants to focus on real friendships this year. People who actually take her up on offers to go and do something. It got me thinking that this year I’d like to actually take people up on their offers to get together.

I often feel lonely, wishing that I had more friends. Other people seem to have so much going on in their lives. When I take a second look at it, however, I realize that I’ve received many invitations. I just don’t actually do much about them. I want to, but I guess I’m nervous. I find it scary getting to know someone new. Inviting them to my house opens a whole can of worms of being embarrassed of the mess. It is possible, of course, to meet somewhere else instead, but I still worry about how the conversation will go. Will we “connect”? Will they like me? With these concerns running through my mind I don’t end up making that call. I have 3 or 4 phone numbers given to me with the open invite of “we should get together sometime” just hanging out in my possession. The only thing stopping me is fear. Ridiculous, I know. So, this year, I want to change that. I’m a good conversationalist. I’m friendly with a fine sense of humour. I’m an all around nice person. Why am I afraid that people won’t like me? Even if they don't like me, that doesn't mean it's the end of the world. It’s time to get over caring what people think of me. I don’t want to wait until I’m forty to feel more confident…what do I mean by that?

Well, it seems that the people I know who are forty talk about this peace that comes over them. They feel more at ease with themselves. They’re no longer trying to please or live their lives for others. May-be some of that really does just come with time. It may take another seven years before I really “get it”, but I figure there has to be some effort put in as well. It can’t just automatically happen with the turning of forty, can it? Well, I’m going to do some preparation. There are some things I want to accomplish by the time that number comes around for me. Confidence in myself is one of them. Perhaps this year will be the beginning for me. In fact, I know it will be...